The Queen of Mundanity

So...tired...

2009-04-01T17:54:05Z

Yesterday, for the first time EVER, I fell asleep sitting up...at work. I was just hanging at the desk and, next thing I know, I'm reading paperwork in my dream and not in real life (which I figured out once I woke up and realized everything I *thought* I'd read wasn't actually on the paper in front of me).

I guess I'm kinda tired.

The semester's almost over, though! In 6 weeks...

Hm...

2009-03-13T03:46:36Z

I feel like I have nothing to say. What's up with that? I'd post more if I had something to say. I have to figure out a 'theme'...something I can write about regularly to make myself actually...well, have something to talk about. Do I want to write all about writing (which I haven't even been doing, outside of academic stuff)? Do I want to post mainly about my progress in the running field (I managed to get myself up to a 10 minute mile! Whee! Only a couple more minutes to shave off that time)? Maybe I can post crap about school...or maybe, since I've been watching it daily for weeks now, I'll write about my infatuation with Supernatural and the Giant Men that play the two main characters (did you know Jared Padalecki is 6'4"? Here I thought Jenson Ackles was short, but nope, he's 6'1" and just happens to *look* short next to Jared Padalecki. Either way. They're HOT).

I have no idea. I need to stop doing so much in my "real life". It leaves me with little time to think about things. I kinda miss thinking. :(

Uh oh...

2009-02-26T05:22:43Z

I have a huge crush on Dean Winchester, and it's ALL mizzykitty 's FAULT!

Progress?

2009-02-17T18:23:45Z

"Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation." -- Oscar Wilde

Hey!  Don't forget us women, too, Oscar! We're always left out of good quotes. *sniff*

Currently, I remain at the level of "discontent" with my fitness progress. Here's how it looks thus far. In the last eight weeks, I have lost the following inches and pounds:

Waist: -1"
Love-handles: -1"
Hips: -2"
Thighs: - 1 1/2" (each)
Pounds: NONE  ARRRRRRGHHHH!

The poundage part is what's frustrating. I'm starting to get comments from various people about how I look slimmer, and I think I do. The saddle bags have reduced drastically, as have the love-handles (which are barely noticeable in clothing anymore). I've got a nicer waist-line...but I've lost NO pounds!  Well, that's not true. I lost 3, then gained 3, then lost 5, then gained 5, then lost 2, then gained 2. Stupid muscle. Stop building as fast as the fat is going away! You're making me heavier!

Of course, I shouldn't be pissed off by this because the number on the scale supposedly means nothing, but in this society, the number on the scale means all sorts of things. So I'm battling with myself and my progress. I am filled with discontent. So that means it's all uphill from here, right, Mr. Wilde!?

Implict Racism

2009-02-04T20:18:16Z

We are all intellectually aware of Racism. We know that it exists and can cite numerous ways in which it happens both among people and within systems. For those of you who aren't white, middle class, and western-born, you have probably experienced it far more regularly than I have in the last ten years since I moved to the Midwest and became part of the majority race and culture.

However, despite having seen racism openly played out between people throughout my life, and despite having an intellectual understanding of racism in U.S. society, seeing how it plays out between and among the students at my internship has daily given me pause--mostly because I don't think they are at all aware of what they're saying or doing and how racism has affected those actions. Racism is influencing their lives, their educations, their physical and mental health, their perceptions of themselves...everything. Here are five examples of interactions or facts that I've witnessed or learned over my time at my internship (and keep in mind that the students I'm quoting or referencing are all African American and all have some sort of educational disability ranging from learning disorders to a severe mental illness):

1. One of the first few days I was here, I overheard a statement by a student that went something like this:

"So, my brother's in jail and doing drugs. He used to say he wasn't doing drugs, but we knew he did because his skin is so dark. Your skin gets darker when you do bad shit like that." [She said this in complete seriousness with a matter-of-fact tone. I got the implication that she truly believed it.]

2. After a month or two of meeting students and going through their files, I noticed that about 90% of the students experienced at least one of two very important things in their childhood: lead poisoning and/or low birth weight. (If you don't know the symptoms of lead poisoning or the outcomes of it, you can go here: Health Impacts of Lead Poisoning). Both of these things were, in all cases, related to poverty. These kids' families can't afford lead-free homes in nice communities. They can't afford good pre-natal care. We can go into a long dissertation on the demographics of people in poverty and why it is this way in the U.S., but I think most of us are aware of the connection to race.

3. During the inaugoration, one of the students refused to watch and I asked why. He went on this rant about how he wasn't going to watch any "i-nigger-ation" and that if Obama failed as President he was never going to eat chocolate again. I couldn't even respond to this because it was absurd on so many levels.

4. At my work place, we got in two new residents: a 25-year old black male and a 25-year old white male. The white guy is the meanest, most anti-social person I have ever met in my life. I have failed in every respect to find a way to be therapeutic with him (which isn't his fault but which *is* an indicator of my stress levels with him...I am very difficult to ruffle, and this guy does it every minute I see him). The black male, on the other hand, is funny and sweet and generally keeps to himself. Strangely, he is the one who has the history of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder. The white male has neither. These are things diagnosed in the school district, and each of these guys attended schools in Minneapolis. Yet the white guy has no history of ODD or CD. He is a prime candidate for a history of that, whereas the other guy...well, maybe he acted up in the past, but he has no signs of it right now. (And the white guy has many signs of having acted this badly in the past as well as the present). I have been educated to know that ODD, CD, and other behavioral issues that pop up in childhood are notoriously overdiagnosed in Black males. Yet, until this point where these two guys appeared at my work place...I dunno. The problem just came alive for me then. Because it is a problem. ODD, after all, is one of those diagnoses that literally DOOMS a person. Kids diagnosed with ODD have the worst outcomes of any in the school system, so to diagnose it can be dangerous. To diagnose it based partly on race is just depressing.

5. Today, a female student was talking with a male student about "hooking up" with one of the male student's friends (someone she had been texting but hadn't actually met). She was talking about how this third guy had described himself to her and the reasons she thought he sounded hot. He had told her he had long hair, that he had dark skin-but not TOO dark--, and that he was tall. She really swooned on the "not TOO dark" part and seemed to find it important to make that emphasis. There was this unspoken implication that light skin is, in general, more desirable. In conversations I've overheard that are remarkably like this, nobody has ever said that dark skin is ugly or undesirable or that they'd prefer white skin, but they imply that black skin be not TOO dark.

I don't know why this previous example is one of those that causes me the most pause. I mean, I'm as white as you can get, so shouldn't I be flattered that light skin is the preferred skin type? But I'm not flattered. I'm horrified that these young Black men and women are basically declaring their own skin color UndesiraType your cut contents here.ble; that they judge each other based off the lightness of their skin. No, they're not saying they prefer one skin color over the other (though some have blatantly declared they "hate" white people), but there's still that underlying, perhaps unconscious preference for lighter skin.

I don't know. Something to think about, I suppose. It's been bothering me for some time, so I thought I'd share it with you and let it bother you, too. :)

Meme! Run!

2009-02-02T03:21:04Z

I stole this from hkneale... because I'm bored.

Writing: Or How I Didn't Realize How Much I Enjoy It

2009-02-02T02:23:28Z

I guess Joni Mitchell was right...you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. I always enjoyed writing, and I did it all the time in the past. Mostly because I had gads of free time and that's the first thing I did to fill it (alas! "Free time", where have you gone!?).

Now that I can't write, however, I realized that it wasn't just that writing came about when I was bored. Writing came about because I enjoyed it and because my brain is apparently wired to want to do it. So now that I can't do it, I will spend a great deal of time thinking about how I can't do it and be saddened by this.

I did come up with a story idea the other day, but I'm a little perturbed and wondering whether I should bother getting it out of my head and onto the computer. I presented the idea to my Significant Other, who just gave me this blank stare and said something akin to "Um...interesting." That doesn't bode well. Part of it is that I haven't completely finished the idea, so I probably didn't communicate it well...and the other part is that I don't express myself well in spoken word in the first place (which is why I like writing so much...I'm better at it!). But I don't want to bother writing anything if it's not a good idea in the first place. *sigh*

I guess I'll go attempt it anyway. I'm bored again, and I've finished everything for class.

Also, to my writing friends out there: Anybody know any good places (other than Alfred Hitchcock's) that one can send Southern Gothic mystery fiction?

The Simple Things

2009-01-30T01:05:11Z

So, Alex was just dipping the baby upside down then back up again (you know, playing a game with him). As he dipped the baby backward, the baby came much closer to me, and he said, "Hello, Mama!"

It was the cutest damned thing...and one of the first times he's strung two words together. It made me laugh for several seconds straight.

Last week, he'd been upstairs hanging out with his Auntie and I, and as we were leaving the area, he passed my brother's guitar and said, "Bye bye, gui-tar!" This was also incredibly cute.

He is now nicely petting the cat and saying, "Cat! Cat!" So I told him to give *my* head a pat. And now he's over here petting my head.

Man. Who would've known kids were so awesome?

Long time no write?

2009-01-21T16:56:38Z

Um...I apparently haven't been on here for a few months. Time kinda flies, doesn't it? I know there have been a few times when I've been bored and sitting around (like now), so I don't know why I haven't been on Livejournal. Maybe I'll add that as a New Year's Resolution, "Look at LJ!" Things of note since September:

1. I have a tattoo now.

2. I'm about to start my second semester of the year, and I'm not looking forward to it.

3. The holidays were not holidays at all. I need a day off!

4. Our entire household (read: commune) was switched around, and now my brother and his girlfriend live upstairs and my family and a roommate live downstairs. The other guy's in the basement. There's a million of us, but Alex and I don't have to pay mortgage. w00t!

5. I haven't written a single thing. I'm lame.

6. I did win 3 months free membership at Lifetime Fitness and have been working-out over a month now. I haven't lost weight, but I've actually lost a couple inches. I guess that counts for something.

I'm useless for anything but stolen memes

2008-09-21T03:07:13Z

This one's stolen from pjthompson 1 minute, 9 seconds I think this is only because I'm pretty sure I could use my own bitten-off arm to beat at the velociraptor.

I'm up too early

2008-09-18T13:01:09Z

I'm also still sick, and so is baby, who started antibiotics for his double ear infection two days ago. We haven't been to work, or internship, or day care in two days. I'm slacking. SLACKING!

And now I'm gonna slack more through memes stolen from pjthompson because I, too, enjoy the haiku meme:

This is my star-crossed lover haiku (which I love because it's hilarious):

Haiku² for mrngglry98
to get his heart and he just shrugged and said he had been admitted
@

Created by Grahame

This is apparently my erotica haiku:

Haiku² for mrngglry98
my key worked in my mouth anyway we went to a luxury
@

Created by Grahame

And for those of you on the OWW, a special haiku:

Haiku² for mrngglry98
the clouds at the oww seems a completely foreign concept to people
@

Created by Grahame

I Now Understand the Saying...

2008-09-13T21:18:59Z

There aren't enough hours in the day.

It makes sense now. A 28 hour day would make life easier.

I started my internship with the transitional program for adolescents (aged 18-21) with EBD (Emotional-Behavioral Disorders -- which is the school system's way of saying, "There's something wrong with these kids, but we're not sure what".  Usually it means a traumatic brain injury, a mental illness, or low intellectual functioning, all thrown into one because they thing: bad behavior. Specifically, bad behavior that disrupts their schooling). I am now working with the kids that always annoyed the crap out of me when *I* was in high school. Only, in high school, I didn't realize how much went into that behavior. I just thought they were being disruptive and obnoxious because that was their personality. I wasn't so forgiving then, I guess. Now, I'm shocked and dismayed at how much crap these kids go through--from age 3 (when they're first introduced to Early Childhood because they're not talking, or they have lead poisoning, or some other physical or mental issues going on) to the day they stop going to high school because they're jailed or pregnant. This should be a fascinating, sad, and interesting job. Hopefully I'll get a lot out of it. I've never worked with kids. Though these kids are technically adults now, I suppose...

My job remains the same. At least I have that stability.

Classes are going well. They seem far easier this year than last, but perhaps I'm just used to the work load now.

And baby is sick. :(  He hasn't noticed it yet as he runs around haywire, laughing and smiling and destroying as usual. But he had a temperature of 101 today and is blowing so much snot out of his body that I'm not sure it's possible all of it could be his. Though, of course, I'm not sure it's possible one can borrow snot from elsewhere. Even the baby, who's quite wiley.

Also, I still haven't heard back about that story I sent out to a certain mystery magazine.   It's been 6 months. They say their average time is 3 months. And I'm still worried I didn't actually send a return envelope. Should I submit the story elsewhere by this point!?

I am now going to go reattach my IV of caffeine...

I'm much more "posh" these days.

2008-08-28T19:46:49Z

I stole this from mikandra. It did help me look back on my childhood and be thankful I even survived it and that I'm doing so well now. It also makes me realize how much privilege my own son has. He qualifies FAR more often on this scale than I do. He qualifies on 7 more items than I do, and he's only 14 months old. ;)

How do I measure up in the posh-ness scale? I'm with mikandra. I do not (or didn't use to) represent "posh" at all! [I bolded the ones that actually refer to me].

1. Father went to college.
2. Father finished college .
3. Mother went to college.
4. Mother finished college . She has, however, NEVER paid off her loans.
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor .
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers (I’m with Mikandra. I have no idea what this means. If they mean my high school teachers were richer than my family, then YES)
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home. My dad read 1 book in all the time I lived in his home. My mom read tons, but she didn’t keep them, and I didn’t read them because they were Harlequin Romances, and they were terrible.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home. Where would they have fit!?
9. Were read children's books by a parent.
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18. Music
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18. Violin and piano. However, the violin training was free as the conductor of our local symphony orchestra heard me play and offered me free lessons. He was also kind of a creepy old man who kept saying I had a “classic beauty”. Hm…
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively. Are we still talking about childhood? Because it’s NO for my life pre age 20. It’s YES for my life now.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18. My mom ruined my credit before I was even aged 18. Took me a bit to get that stuff taken off my record, considering a minor CAN’T have credit, really. So I couldn’t even qualify for a credit card until I was 19.
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs. Haha! Right.
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs. I’m still paying for it now.
16. Went to a private high school.
17. Went to summer camp.
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18.
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels and motels. We never had family vacations.
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18. By my parents? No.
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them. People have parents who do this? And the car I drove in high school was a hand-me-down, but not from my parents.
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
23. You and your family lived in a single family house . Yes, but see below.
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home. They lived in a house paid for by my grandparents that was 50 years old, had no form of security (i.e. the doors and windows did not lock and, in fact, you could stick your hand through a hole in the backdoor to open it even if it was locked), a man-sized hole in the ceiling, a roach infestation that goes beyond any form of description, and by the time my dad finally left the house, it had been condemned. I think this should cancel out anything previously answered that made my childhood sound “posh” at all.
25. You had your own room as a child (After age 8, when we moved into the previously mentioned house)
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18.
27. Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course. They were $1000! No way! (And Mikandra, the SAT/ACT are college entrance exams here in the U.S. Your scores can very much be influenced by how much money you put into training, so it can also be a racist and elitist test that makes college admissions racist and elitist).
28. Had your own TV in your room in High School.
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College. My parents didn't even have those things. They still don't.
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16. Though, once again, not on my parents’ dime.
31. Went on a cruise with your family. I would’ve killed myself being around them that long. And I hope to never actually take a cruise anywhere on purpose. I'd rather explore on my own.
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family. See above.
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up. Haha! Woo! Good one!
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family. Heating? In El Paso?!

9 out of 34 ain't bad...right?

And I'm sure I didn't sound bitter or sarcastic at any point in this posting. ;)

States of Busy

2008-08-19T15:11:43Z

I think I have a high tolerance for being busy. I've noticed that every time I'm piled with something else to make my life busy as hell, I get used to it, and I soon discover I'm bored again. It's gotten to the point that I can't do one or two things at once. Sometimes not even 3 things. I can't watch a movie in a theater, for instance, because I get bored. I feel like I should be doing 8 other things while watching that movie (though I'll admit, I did sit, completely rapt, through Wall-E, and Batman kept me entertained enough that I only thought a few times about how I was sitting there doing absolutely nothing). It's kinda bugging me because now, despite having a baby to care for, a crazy mother to arrange a life for (who is not moving into my work place at this current moment because she has officially become the first person ever not approved by the county for admission), and work--despite all this, I'm extremely bored right now. I keep thinking, "Oh good, school and an internship are coming up. Two more things to keep me busy!" What am I gonna do with myself when I only have work and a toddler!?

I used to fill all my time with writing (and boy did I have a lot of time. I never realized just how much free time I had until I had a baby and started school). But now I don't have large chunks of time. Now my "bored" time comes in relatively small chunks, with the occasional hour thrown in. I just can't get started writing, let alone write something of substance, in small chunks of time. At least, I can't write anything imaginative. I can write school papers. Which is why I'm looking forward to school. Homework is easily done in small chunks of time.

And now I'm going to go clean because the baby's down for a nap, and I'm bored. Anybody who knows me will discover that this is a sure sign that I don't have enough to do. I hate cleaning. And cooking. And yet, I'm about to do both...

Also...

2008-08-14T12:26:08Z

My mom is apparently going to move into my work place. For those of you who may not know or do not recall, I work in a residential rehabilitation facility for persons with severe and chronic mental illnesses. Oh, and next week, I'll be driving my mom's dog to Texas. 28 hours total driving! Yay!

I've managed to accomplish nothing in the last 6 weeks since my Chile class officially ended, and I don't think I will accomplish anything in the next 2 weeks until my next classes begin. I'll be starting an internship then, too. Baby is going to start daycare. I'm very excited for him to go hang out with kids. While touring the facility, he'd already managed to make a best friend. It was cute.

I am now going to go continue to accomplish very little. Hopefully, this will include some sleep...if Baby allows. :)

Birthday Mem

2008-08-14T12:20:45Z

As stolen from mikandra:

Look up your birthday in Wikipedia. Pick 4 events, 3 births, 2 deaths, and 1 holiday.

My birthday is September 27 (which means I'll be another year older in about 6 weeks here...yay...). I currently share this birthday with a childhood friend and a resident. Those are the only two people I've ever met with my birthday, however. Which is interesting considering how many freakin' people live on the planet and how comparatively few birthdays are available. Anyway.

EVENTS

1905 -- The physics journal "Annalen der Physik" published Albert Einstein's paper "Does the Inertia of a Body Depend Upon Its Energy
Content?", introducing the equation E=MC(squared) [Sorry, didn't know how to put the "squared" in there].
1928 -- The Republic of China is recognized by the United States. [I figured this was good Olympic-related knowledge hehe]
1954 -- The nationwide debut of "Tonight!" (otherwise known as the Tonight Show) debuted, hosted by Steven Allen on NBC.
1998 -- Google is launched.

BIRTHS

1722 -- Samuel Adams, American Revolutionary Leader (and liker of beer?)
1885 -- Harry Blackstone, Sr., American Magician
1972 -- Gwyneth Paltrow, American Actress and otherwise annoying person

DEATHS

1917 -- Edgar Degas, painter
1921 -- Engelbert Humperdink, German Composer and owner of awesome name

HOLIDAY

Baha'i Faith - Feast of Mashíyyat (Will) - First day of the eleventh month of the Baha'i calendar. (This was the funnest one to type. September 27th is also World Tourism Day, apparently, but that's not nearly as cool).

And on the light side...

2008-08-02T19:00:13Z

I've been watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog today (because hkneale mentioned it was awesome, and it is pretty funny), and this exchange just happened:

Penny: Sometimes people are layered like that. There is something totally different underneath than what's on the surface.

Billy: And sometimes, there's a third even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one.

Penny: ...Huh?

Billy: Like with pie.

I found this hilarious. So I thought I'd share this bit of wisdom from Dr. Horrible. ;)

Update

2008-08-02T18:24:51Z

Well, it's been a stressful week (obviously), but I think it might be winding down. MAYBE. My mom is currently hanging out in the mental health ward at the local hospital. She was initially a little freaked out when she moved there (I have no idea what she was thinking a psych ward would look like, but I have a feeling her idea was closer to a Luxury Hotel than Reality). She'll probably be there for awhile. They've referred her to the County (thank god), so hopefully she'll get hooked up with those services.

Now, we just have to move everything out of her apartment in the next week to keep the management from sending official eviction paperwork to the courts. We have to sell all her furniture and find a home for her dog. Her dog is old and has some infirmities, so I'm very concerned about his adoption options. We know nobody who can take him. I've been trying to do some research online, but there doesn't seem to be a place we can send him where they won't kill him. (There's one no-kill shelter, but the prerequisite is that he be adoptable and, even if he were, there's a very long wait list). I'm really afraid. I don't want him put to sleep because that just seems horrendous to me. I mean, we don't do that to children, right? "Well, we can't find this kid a home, so let's put him to sleep!" It just sounds so horrible.

Anybody know what I can do with an old dog that doesn't require the death penalty?

Thanks, guys...

2008-07-27T04:22:45Z

It was nice getting all the supportive comments, so thanks everybody. :)

My mom is stable, but when we got there (16 hours after she went into the hospital) they were still pumping crap out of her stomach. She was so dazed and out of it, I thought they'd sedated her. Turns out, they'd done nothing of the sort. She just had that much lithium in her. In fact, there's so much lithium that, even as they're pumping stuff out, her lithium levels still continue to go up. The doctor said that if they don't start going down soon, she'll have to go on dialysis.

I asked her how she got to the hospital, who called 911. She said she did. She could barely keep her eyes open, and her words were slurring, and she said, "I called them. I changed my mind."

I talked to several nurses, a resident, and a doctor, and I kept telling her, "Don't let her out of here too soon. Don't let her out!" They said she'll be in for a few days for medical treatment, then (as is standard for attempted suicides), she'll go to the psych ward for 24 hours, and then that doctor decides if she's to be discharged. I told them to have the social worker call me first thing after talking to my mom because I need to talk to that person, too. My mom can't be let out yet, but I don't know if they understand that. The nurse said my mom told her she wasn't planning to hurt herself again. Well, first of all, my mom is suffering lithium toxicity and probably barely makes sense to herself. Second of all, OF COURSE she said that! But she's going to do it again (and, statistically speaking, anybody who does it once will do it again, and anybody who does it twice is even more likely to do it again, and so on and so forth until they succeed), and I tried to tell the nurse this, and she seemed to understand...but I got nothing committal from anybody. Unfortunately, the hospital can discharge people to the street. And that's what scares me.

Anyway, I'm now going to go to attempt to sleep because I have to be up at 6am to go to work. I can't bring myself to call in because I switched to day shift tomorrow when they needed someone, so if I called in, they'd have no one, and that'd suck. Even if I just don't feel I can do it when my mom's connected to tubes at the hospital down the street.

Oh well.

On another note, I saw Dark Knight. It helped to further my depression. And I have no idea what my brother was talking about when he said that people read to deeply into that movie and it doesn't say nearly as much as people claim it does. Because, seriously, that movie was like a 2 1/2 hour metaphor.

Alright. Now I'm off. For real.

The Crisis Has Come

2008-07-26T18:44:02Z

And it's not as bad as it *could* be, I suppose.

My mom is in the hospital right now. I'm on LiveJournal because I'm waiting for the hubby to come home and I need something to do to distract myself. When he gets here, we will pick up my brother and his girlfriend and travel on over to the hospital to see my mom (and, if all is in our favor, a social worker). My mom OD'd sometime yesterday. I'm not sure. The message I got was extremely vague (for obvious reasons, of course, but still frustrating), and when I finally got ahold of the ICU, they told me she was fine and that she'd come in at 3am. Which couldn't be true because the message came in yesterday evening around 10pm. She must've gone in YESTERDAY at 3am then. I feel terrible I never heard my phone ring and didn't get the message until about 1/2 an hour ago. They say her vitals are stable, though, and that she's just under observation. They don't usually like to discharge people over a weekend, so I'm hoping beyond hope that they'll wait for Monday. Just in case a social worker *isn't* there over the weekend. I so hope there is. If all is well, they have at least one there every weekend. I hope.

Being a Mommy is Hard

2008-07-24T17:19:57Z

Does anybody else feel like, once you become a parent, suddenly, everyone's highly judgmental and watching you like a hawk? Perhaps I'm just being paranoid (God knows that runs in my family), but it feels like I'm constantly getting random comments from people that imply that I'm not doing things right. My kid doesn't already speak 5 words (he only signs them), so there must be something wrong with him. He's still wearing the shirt he slept in once noon rolls around, so I must not bathe him enough. I don't take him out enough. I don't feed him the correct diet. It's almost too much pressure. And yet, I'm sure if I googled ,"Good Mom", you'd get 6 billion different explanations of what that means. So I'm stressing out about that today.

Being an adult comes with far too many things to worry about.

And now I will go off and worry about them some more...

Coming Out

2008-07-12T20:13:11Z

I don't remember if I brought this up on LJ or not, but I was just remembering this topic while listening to Muse and noting the title of one of their songs ("Thoughts of a Dying Atheist").

While in Chile, I happened to have a discussion with one of my fellow students about my past as a Mormon and my present as an atheist (I have no idea how this came up). She's agnostic, I guess, but raised Catholic. Anyway, at one point, she asked me, "When did you come out to your parents?" And I was so confused. I was like, "What? As an atheist?" I hadn't realized that I had to (or should) "come out". I didn't realize people would care enough to hear about what I believed. The majority of my friends are atheist or agnostic, so it rarely occurs to me that my "beliefs" or lack thereof are unusual or generally considered unacceptable. In fact, when somebody I know happens to mention going to church or having their child baptized or something, *I'm* usually the one shocked. So yeah, I had to think about it because I don't really know what my parents know or think of my religious beliefs. They know I don't go to church but, otherwise, it never occurs to me to talk to them about it. I don't usually walk around proclaiming myself atheist to the world anyway. LJ clearly being an exception at this point. ;) That'd be kinda bizarre, and there's usually no need for it. If someone asks me (and that does happen), I'll tell them. Sometimes, it randomly comes up in convernation. Otherwise, I don't think about it because religion and belief play absolutely no role in my personal life and, therefore, never occur to me. Unlike my husband, who's a militant atheist. I disapprove of this method, but he seems to feel it's his (ironic) crusade to convert people to atheism. ;) I figure that, if someone's going to be atheist, they'll come to it on their own. Just as I feel that people should come upon any belief system on their own--after much thought and "soul" searching, if you will.

It was just a strange thing to me that I'd never thought about. So I figured I'd just mention it. Anybody ever have to "come out" to their parents about their beliefs? Or feel like they should?

Random Thoughts

2008-07-10T20:22:17Z

I just have a bunch of random stuff on my mind now that I have nothing to do. I gave my presentation on advocating a new role for social workers in Chile, turned my paper and journal in, and now I've got about 6 weeks of just work and baby to deal with. No school. What am I supposed to do with myself!? So this is some stuff I'm thinking about...and with which I plan to bore you to death.

1. I submitted a story to a magazine a little over 3 months ago. They said the average response time is about 3 months. But now I'm starting to wonder if I sent a return envelope. I'm leaning towards the "no, I didn't" part of this, which makes me wonder if I'll hear anything at all. My email address is on the submitted materials, but they'd probably only use that if they wanted my story. So now I don't know what to do. Submit it elsewhere? Email the magazine to tell them I'm a complete idiot and would they like me to send them a return envelope? Ugh. The writing industry can be such a pain in the butt sometimes because you never know what tiny thing you might do to screw yourself.

2. Speaking of the writing industry...I'm actually considering submitting my paper on social work in Chile to an academic journal. Despite all the submitting I've done with fiction, I realize that I have no idea where to start with academic articles. It's a whole new ball game (to use an overused cliche...which I've noticed I've been doing a lot lately. Cliches are like shorthand for speech. You don't really have to think of something to say when you've got a cliche to throw out there that everyone knows).

3. Having nothing to do with myself, I've also pondered re-starting up the process of submitting to agents. I should re-read my Between a Rock and a Drag Queen and set it up again for submitting. Six weeks is plenty of time to send stuff out and begin the process of torturing myself.

4. Adrian's birthday party went really well. We had lots of fun, despite being very hot, and I enjoyed watching all the toddlers toddle. Before having a child, I had no idea I'd enjoy having children so much...or having other children around, too. I'm slightly creeped out by this evidence of maternal instinct. Because, believe me, I'm the last person in the world anybody would've tagged as "maternal".

5. I have realized I actually don't like my dad. As a person. Seriously, I would never hang around him if I didn't have the obligation of being his daughter. And I don't know if I should even hold on to that obligation as I don't see him as feeling he has any obligations as a father. I'm beginning to wonder why I keep up with him at all when he apparently doesn't care whether I keep up with him? He came to Adrian's birthday, but I think that's because he likes his grandson...and his son...but has a serious problem with any females, let alone females in his family. I think he just doesn't like women, and it becomes clearer to me that he thinks I'm a complete idiot. What's ironic is that the more education I get, the more he thinks I'm a complete idiot. Or a mindless drone. One or the other. But yeah, now I have to sit and contemplate how I want to continue when it comes to my relationship with my dad. When I was a child, my family was Mormon, and they used to teach us how, before we were born, we lived in Heaven, and in Heaven, we chose our family. If this is true, what was wrong with me? Did I have some kinda martyr complex? Did God hate me and giggle as he pointed to my mom and dad and suggested I go with them?

6. Speaking of God, today, a nun told me I had a beautiful child and wished me joy with him. Despite being atheist, having a nun tell me that my child was beautiful seemed like more of a compliment than some regular folk telling me that. Weird the way growing up in a culture will shape your reaction to things despite your best intellectual efforts to separate yourself from those teachings.

7. I am terribly, horribly addicted to caffeine. I can't go one hour without caffeine without being so sleepy it's probably dangerous for me to operate a vehicle. Motherhood can be kinda tough sometimes.

8. Livejournal is awesome for curing boredom. So is Facebook. Damn you, Facebook!

There are more mes than I thought there were...

2008-06-21T19:53:52Z

HowManyOfMe.com

There are
98
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

I wonder how I can get a hold of all these mes...

And, according to this website, there's no one in the U.S. with my husband's name. Now I'm suspicious as to whether he exists at all. There's also nobody with my child's name, apparently. Who are these people I'm living with, then!? Ahhhh!

I'd like to point out that there are almost 1 million Melissas in the U.S. I think I've run in to at least half of those at some point in my life...

Also, does anyone know how to access one's own LJ archives? I'm an idiot and can't figure it out.

The Saga Begins

2008-06-05T12:21:49Z

I wish the subject line was in reference to a book I was writing, or maybe a trip I was going on (though I *am* going to Chicago this weekend). But nope, it's about my mom. I thought the saga had already begun, but now it's worse. She got fired from her job. At least, she's telling us she was fired, stating that she'd had a breakdown, went to her boss to talk about accommodating her disability, and then was fired. I believe she could very well have been fired because she was regularly not showing up, but I don't believe this story about asking for accommodation for her disability and being fired. For one, it's illegal to fire anyone based on disability. For another, I have a sneaking suspicion she just quit. You never know with my mom. She rarely tells the truth (though I don't think she always purposefully lies).

Whatever the case may be, she no longer has a job, and there's no way in hell she's going to be able to pay rent. She barely got rent paid this month (despite everything I did in my power to balance her budget, she managed to take her last pay check--while I was in Chile--get it cashed, and spend several hundred of it on stuff that was neither food nor bills). I don't know where she's going to live, or how she's going to eat, and I don't think she'd survive on the streets. I don't want her to live on the streets but, apparently, one can't get help from the system until one is in that dire of straights. I'm going to talk with my brother today about hospitalizing her. I think it can be done because I seriously *am* worried about her being a danger to herself. The last time things got on the bad side for her, she tried to kill herself (or, at the least, she hurt herself bad enough to go to the hospital--whether she was trying to die is still up for debate). She hasn't called me to tell me about the latest events, either. My brother told me about them. So this kinda worries me as well.

I'm going to try to call her later and get her psychiatrist's number. In theory, I won't be able to talk to him (based on confidentiality), but I'm not going to ask him about my mom's treatment. I'm going to ask if he can write an order to have her hospitalized. Then she'll be in the system, and she'll get a case manager, and they can help her get back on SSI/Medicaid and apply for public housing and such. They can also readjust her meds and make sure she's taking them regularly, since she isn't (she's admitted this). She's had at least two self-proclaimed "breakdowns", so something's not right. I'm going to try to convince her, too, that she *wants* to go to the hospital, so that her psychiatrist can write the order (I'm pretty sure he can't order her against her will if she's not openly out threatening people's lives, or her own life).

I really wish Alex and I were rich. Then I could take care of anything. But at this point, I have no way of supporting my mom, and I feel awful about this.

And now I must go save the baby, who's attempting to crawl over a box and is stuck.